Personal Ads
by MrsMojoRising
Summary: Personal adverts from certain characters in the twi-verse. First up - The Volturi.
1. The Volturi

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>The Volturi<span>**

**Aro**

_Employer seeks employee_

Growing Italy company seeks new blood . . . so to speak. Must be loyal and can keep to strict secrecy rules. Ideal candidate should have something unique and special about them. Am particularly interested in someone who works well with others, yet have a certain air of being the "loner" type.  
>The lucky candidate(s) will have health insurance cover, for both them and their families. A generous wage – well above minimum wage. And dental.<br>All that's asked in return is unrelenting loyalty.

Send CV, and past references, to avolturi[at]gmail[dot]com  
>(a picture would also be nice.)<p>

**Marcus**

_Lost_

A reason to exist. If found please return to mrlonely[at]yahoo[dot]com  
>Reward will be generous.<p>

**Caius**

_Found_

A ginger cat, goes by the name of Mitsy. Found in a back alley on the streets of Volterra. If it's yours, or if you just want to give it a nice home, contact luringyoutoyourdeath[at]gmail[dot]com

NO TIME WASTERS. They make me angry.

**Alec**

_Selling - Harry Potter merchandise_.

Wide range of The Boy Who Lived memorabilia: character wands, Marauders map, model of Hogwarts castle and surrounding Hogsmeade made out of clay, action figures from all seven years etc In good condition aside from one or two items being smashed to pieces.  
>Reason for selling – vengeful sister. Would like to see them go to a good home. And believe me – I'll know if they are being mistreated!<p>

**Jane**

_Wanted_

Hard back, first editions of The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins. Signed by author.  
>Katniss is so kick ass, I MUST have these. Name your price.<p>

mysmileisarifle[at]teamvolturi[dot]com


	2. The Wolves

**Wolves**

**Embry**

_Male seeks female_

hello, I'm a 18 year old native American male. I'm looking for a soulmate as I am tired of all my friends having found theirs, and I'm left out. I like long walkies and playing fetch . . . I mean video games. She must have a GSOH and understand the "bro's before hoe's" mantra: my friends are my pack.

No pale skinned/cold ones need apply. No children neither: we've heard all the pedo-wolf jokes before, I'm not in the mood to hear them all again.

If interested contact P.O. Box 5324

**Emily**

_Wanted_

A personality. My creator seemed to have invented me just to love my man and feed his closest friends – and to stab by cousin in the back through no fault of my own.

Would appreicate a hobby or two that doesn't revolve around the house.

**Sam**

_Wanted_

Something nice for the "little lady." She's seeming down lately, I think a nice hobby is what she needs. Some gardening tools and "How to" guide? Or perhaps some knitting and crocheting things? Am open to suggestions! Contact iamalwaysgonnabealphajacob[at]wolfpack1[dot]com

**Jacob**

_Seeking Employment_

I'll most likely be getting married in about seven years time, I think it's about time I started a career to keep my beloved in the style she's accustomed too. Am good with machines, and have experience in killing unwanted pests. Could also moonlight as a good sniffer dog.

Any takers can get in touch with me through my email jakeandnessie4eva[at]wolfpack2[dot]com


	3. The Cullens

**Cullens**

**Carlisle**

_Doctor Seeks Hospital_

My current hospital are getting curious about my age, saying my boyish good looks are lasting a long time and inquiring as to what is my secret. I find this to be a gross invasion of my privacy: I would like a new situation where I won't have to answer to such personal questions.  
>I like to work in small town hospitals, preferable ones in the midst of large wooded areas with high percentages of the larger species of wildlife. Am slightly sensitive to UV rays, so sunny areas need not answer. Pay is negotiable.<p>

**Edward**

_Wanted_

A reliable carpenter with good solid credentials required. For some strange reason, none of our beds seem to stay together for longer than one night. Right applicant must know all about reinforced wood.

Pay is set, no negotiating. Email icanreadyouandidontapprove[at]yahoo[dot]com for more information.

**Bella**

_Wanted_

A reliable psychiatrist with good solid credentials. My daughter has issues and I'm not sure what to do to help. Each time she sees a broken bed she cradles her head, rocks back and forth and repeats over and over: "Not again."

Please help. youcantreadme[at]yahoo[dot]com

**Renesmee**

_Wanted_

A reliable sound proofer with good solid credentials. Parents are often having loud, noisy sex which inevitable breaks their bed. In such a small house – it's highly disturbing.

Please come as soon as you can – name your price. Contact me at adorememortals[at]hotmail[dot]com


	4. Humans

**Humans**

**Charlie**

Dear Sir,

I am replying to your advertisement regarding your growing Italy company seeking new blood. I am currently sheriff of a small town in Washington state but tiring of the same old thing. New experience's and a sunnier climate would be a welcome change.

In my line of work loyalty and secrecy are top of the list and I have both in bucket-loads. I'm not too sure about that "unique" thing you're after, but I can be considered quite the loner at times.

Can you tell me more about this health insurance for family members? I've only one daughter, and she's seemly healthier than ever before, but you can never be too careful.

Enclosed are references, and a picture. Note: I am not the one in the wheelchair.  
>I look forward to hearing from you soon.<p>

Yours Sincerely,

Sheriff Charles Swan.

**Mike**

_Seeking_

Kristen Stewart's home address. She looks very like a girl I knew in high school, I wouldn't mind getting to know her better.

**Jessica**

_A once in a lifetime chance for some lucky, rich man_

College bills are piling up. And my waitressing job isn't paying as much as I would like - I like the high-life and am not afraid to admit it. I am beautiful with my dark brown curls, and stunning blue eyes, and thin. I almost forgot to mention that I'm thin.

I'm looking for a wealthy, kind, and generous man who wishes to buy my virginity.  
>It's still intact, slightly.<p>

This is a wonderful opportunity for some lucky guy. No old men need apply. No time wasters. And no offer will be accepted below the 500,000 dollar mark.

Form an orderly queue, gentlemen *winky face*


End file.
